I was looking through pictures on my laptop and came across this one, and to be honest it makes me sad.
It was taken in December of 2009, almost 2 years ago to date. Skinnier me. *sigh*.
It took me a long time to get there < 70kg. I was still 5 kilos off my goal of 65 but now looking back, that was the point where I should have been happy.
There are a lot of things I could say about how I got ‘here’ *almost* back to where I started but really they would just be excuses. I know now that I will never truly be happy with my body or the way I look no matter what clothing size of what weight I am but I do know that during that phase of my life that I was happier and healthier and that is exactly where I want to be. I have been a bit absent in this blog/online world for the last couple of years as life progressed and things just got busier.
A couple of major things happened and how I dealt with them wasn’t always the best way but I am still here, I managed. I battled on and off with bipolar (something that I don’t often talk about, or openly admit to) but it is bloody hard. I have an awesome doctor and I am vigilant in making sure that I do all the right things medication wise but often I feel like I am in it alone. I have always been a private person and mental health has such a strong stigma attached that makes it a subject that is often neglected when needed to be spoken about so much! I have had my low’s and extreme rock bottoms, last year was case in point. I spent some time in a psychiatric ward ‘getting myself together’ and honestly that was a changing point. The change might have not happened for a good 8 months after that point (might have been partly due to the fact I had a motorbike accident and broke my leg the day after I was released!) but it made me realise that people struggle more than me, and there is always someone out there worse off. It made me realise that I have the opportunity to control my mental illness and live like everyone else. Unfortunately I will never be like ‘everyone’ else but I can be unique in my own way. I will still wake up in the morning and wonder how life got ‘here’, and stress about the day/week/month and wonder if I will cope. It won’t change the fact that when stuff turns bad that my natural response will be a break down, pushing everyone away and returning to my own little world. This is just me. If there were words to explain me they might be; control freak, stressed and emotional.
Now I am making you think that I am an absolute crack pot. (sorry). Today I just needed to tell the world and say “hey, it’s not always easy!”
It brings me back to the weight thing, this little outburst of mine came from realising that I need what I had before. So, starting this week I am cleaning out the fridge of junk, eating healthy wholefoods and walking with Louie. ! My gorgeous boyfriend Ben is along for the ride. He’s my rock, I am so very lucky to have met him. Relationship wise this year sucked before I met Ben. I learnt not to trust everybody and certainly to get the hell out when someone does not treat you well but I learnt that lesson and then after having a break met the most beautiful, sincere and loving guy. I am so lucky and better still, I can talk to him about anything (like the above) and know that he will always be there to support me.
So that’s it from me, just a bit of a rant.
I’m sorry to all my friends for being absent, quiet and reserved lately. It’s taken me a while to figure out just where I am in life.