Monday, November 7, 2011


I was looking through pictures on my laptop and came across this one, and to be honest it makes me sad.
It was taken in December of 2009, almost 2 years ago to date. Skinnier me. *sigh*.

It took me a long time to get there < 70kg. I was still 5 kilos off my goal of 65 but now looking back, that was the point where I should have been happy.

There are a lot of things I could say about how I got ‘here’ *almost* back to where I started but really they would just be excuses. I know now that I will never truly be happy with my body or the way I look no matter what clothing size of what weight I am but I do know that during that phase of my life that I was happier and healthier and that is exactly where I want to be. I have been a bit absent in this blog/online world for the last couple of years as life progressed and things just got busier.

A couple of major things happened and how I dealt with them wasn’t always the best way but I am still here, I managed. I battled on and off with bipolar (something that I don’t often talk about, or openly admit to) but it is bloody hard. I have an awesome doctor and I am vigilant in making sure that I do all the right things medication wise but often I feel like I am in it alone. I have always been a private person and mental health has such a strong stigma attached that makes it a subject that is often neglected when needed to be spoken about so much! I have had my low’s and extreme rock bottoms, last year was case in point. I spent some time in a psychiatric ward ‘getting myself together’ and honestly that was a changing point. The change might have not happened for a good 8 months after that point (might have been partly due to the fact I had a motorbike accident and broke my leg the day after I was released!) but it made me realise that people struggle more than me, and there is always someone out there worse off. It made me realise that I have the opportunity to control my mental illness and live like everyone else. Unfortunately I will never be like ‘everyone’ else but I can be unique in my own way. I will still wake up in the morning and wonder how life got ‘here’, and stress about the day/week/month and wonder if I will cope. It won’t change the fact that when stuff turns bad that my natural response will be a break down, pushing everyone away and returning to my own little world. This is just me. If there were words to explain me they might be; control freak, stressed and emotional.

Now I am making you think that I am an absolute crack pot. (sorry). Today I just needed to tell the world and say “hey, it’s not always easy!”
It brings me back to the weight thing, this little outburst of mine came from realising that I need what I had before. So, starting this week I am cleaning out the fridge of junk, eating healthy wholefoods and walking with Louie. ! My gorgeous boyfriend Ben is along for the ride. He’s my rock, I am so very lucky to have met him. Relationship wise this year sucked before I met Ben. I learnt not to trust everybody and certainly to get the hell out  when someone does not treat you well but I learnt that lesson and then after having a break met the most beautiful, sincere and loving guy. I am so lucky and better still, I can talk to him about anything (like the above) and know that he will always be there to support me.

So that’s it from me, just a bit of a rant.
I’m sorry to all my friends for being absent, quiet and reserved lately. It’s taken me a while to figure out just where I am in life.



Mel Connell said...

All very well said Miss K xxxx
Always remember that your online friends are here even if it is just to vent. An awful lot of us are dealing with some degree of mental illness and always here for support.

Having said the serious stuff..........I'm sure we would all love to meet your Ben. Xxxx

Lauren said...

Good for you Kayla! I remember when you lost all the weight last time - you were such an inspiration to me. I'm sure you can do it again.

Paula said...

I can so relate to the weight side of this...I was 1kg off my goal when the wheels fell off & after a health scare, I am now right back where I started from :( I know I have a lot to be grateful for & like you said, there is always someone worse off than you, but that does not mean what you are going thru isn't valid or less important. Good luck with the new diet & exercise's so brilliant that you have the support of a loving partner! :)

rebelliouskiwi said...

You are definitely not alone in the weight issues or the 'mental health' issues.
Just remember - you don't ever want to be 'like everyone else'. We are our own & if we were like someone else then it would all be rather repetitive. At least that's what I keep telling myself during these times of doubt.
Yes, there is always someone worse off than yourself, BUT that does not mean that you are any less worthy of feeling for yourself at times. Its good to have those days I think sometimes... just not all the time. Allow yourself to have those days, because they are important I think. And even though there are people worse off - there are a lot that aren't as well. So be kind to yourself & ask for help when you need it. Allow yourself to have time by yourself if you need to & don't worry about telling people to bugger off or say that they don't understand. Because noone can understand you like you.
Just my opinion ;o)

Unknown said...

Kay this is the most inspirational post i have read in a long time. it almost made me cry but at the same time gave me so much confidence. weight is a challenging thing, something i have strugggled with my entire life and find myself on maybe the 6th diet since i was 16. im not sure i lost count. im so proud of you and happy for you. i hope together we can be strong and do our very best in every way possible. love you xoxox Renae

Michelle Jamieson said...

Good on you Kayla!
Getting on with it, no matter how hard it gets!
I wish you luck with the weight thing...I'm hearing you about that!! With a fabulous and supportive partner like Ben, I know you can achieve your goals.
Always remember your online friends will always be here.
Chelle Xx

Crystal Goulding said...

I can understand pretty much everything you have said in this post. You're not alone in this world and really, whats is normal these days. You just have a harder hill to climb xx